OK now, come on now, enough’s enough. You’ve had your bit of fun now toddle off and start taking things a little more seriously.

Seriously guys, what do you think you’re achieving? Hmm? What, precisely do you imagine that you look like?

I mean, come on! I get that you think you need to prove your masculinity; demonstrate to the world (and, no doubt, your constantly disapproving parents who just don’t ‘get you’) that you’re your own man and can wear what you want and can do what you want with your hair…..

Continue reading →

So, I know that I haven’t been around much; life, work, crime fighting, these all just keep getting in the way. For those that have missed me, I promise to be around a lot more over the coming weeks. And for those that couldn’t give a shit and hadn’t realised that I’d been absent, well, I promise to be around a lot more over the coming weeks. You know, just to piss you off.

Anyway, I’ll let you into a little secret about something else I’ve been doing over the passed couple of weeks, something that I thought would be a good idea given my advancing years and ballooning waistline…..

…..exercise.

Continue reading →

Well, it’s the end of the world then.

Yes, I’m well aware that that Raptor thing never happened, (which is probably just as well. I mean, after Jurassic Park, what other dinosaur thing ever worked out?) but just because some crazy bloke with an Armageddon fixation failed to predict the apocalypse, doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.

The signs are everywhere.

Continue reading →

Hey guys.

Sorry I’ve not been around for a few weeks (I know how you all weep and find life that little bit harder when I’m not ranting about pointless bollocks), but I hooked up with this weird bunch of guys and we’ve spent the last fortnight or so driving around America in their kick-ass van solving crimes. It was a hell of a lot of fun; bad guys in rubber masks, huge talking dogs, sexy nerds, I was having a blast…right up to the point I was hit on by the head crime fighter. And believe you me, blokes in neckerchiefs do not take no for an answer.

So I came back to good ol’ England and decided that I could better serve the world by injecting a little more of my inane, shit filled yammering into it.

And what, you ask, will I be lambasting with my bile coated skewers of righteous, drivolity? (that’s my word. Leave it alone).

Well, this week it’s co-op gaming.

Continue reading →

You know, I recently had a near death experience.

I know, sounds faintly ridiculous, right? I mean, life is a near death experience. Simply walking down to the shop to get the latest copy of Razzle usually means negotiating several roads, gangs of disreputable, hooded youths talking to each other in some form of sms flavoured code, bitter old ladies whose dreams never came true and who hold you personally responsible for the excitement that utterly failed to show up in their lives, and you continually have to invent rules for games you discover yourself playing – games such as Dodge the Dog Turd or Antagonise the Supermarket Security Guard. Each of these things pose different, but potentially catastrophic, dangers to your physical and mental well being.

Continue reading →

Alyson Hannigan naked, save for a jar of chocolate spread and a spatula?

Every politician in the world getting set upon by rabid chipmunks, whilst scrabbling to escape from a deep, man-made ravine rapidly filling with ketchup?

Alyson Hannigan naked, save for a knowing smile and a jar of swarfega?

These are what I consider to be among the best and most heart-stoppingly fantastic images known to modern man (or old-fashioned man come to that).

I’m telling you this for two specific reasons:

1. I enjoy thinking up scenarios involving myself, Alyson Hannigan and an array of food items and kitchen utensils;

2. Many of the images my eyes are assailed by each and every day just get on my nipples.

Take signs for instance;

Continue reading →

For anyone who hasn’t worked it out for themselves yet, or who may be coming to this blog afresh and untainted by my insipid, inane and all round dismal point of view: TV and I have a strained relationship.

It’s not that I hate TV. On the contrary, I love it to pieces and would do much to protect it (not least because being mean to it would result in me having to shell out hundreds of those quid things to replace it). It’s just that it doesn’t always love me back.

It’s often mean and selfish, thinking only of itself and rarely considering my wants or needs. It regularly sheds shows I like as though our relationship is nothing but an irritation, and often those shows hadn’t yet reached anything like a decent conclusion.

It also allows shows that I really enjoy to become stale, stagnant and unexciting. For that reason alone, I feel that I should undertake a little early intervention to prevent another televisual travesty from happening and talk, from the heart, to the writers of Chuck.

(For those of you who are not up to date with this show (or Dollhouse), be warned: Spoilers abound)

Continue reading →

This morning I was sorting out my son’s hair. He’s reached that age when his hair is more important to him than, say, breathing and woe betide us should we send him to school without first clagging his head up with gel, mousse, wax or any other industrial waste-like product to spring forth from the laboratories of some French cosmetics company (pretty sure they’re ALL French) to make it appear to the outside world that he’s been in some near-fatal industrial cocktail stick accident.

Continue reading →

Day 14

My mind is quiet now. The shouting. The swearing. The hammered digits. They’re all silent now. The only sound I hear is the blood rushing through my ears like Niagara falls as I stand, mallet in hand, and stare at the carnage before me. At my feet the 9v cordless drill whirrs to itself, it’s trigger taped down with duck tape. The word Budgiefuckers had been scratched into it’s plastic housing in some rage induced font.

After the ordeal of the chest of drawers I didn’t imagine that things could get worse.

But they could.

They did.

Continue reading →

I hate flat packed furniture.

The screw guide holes are always that little bit too far to the left, you need a Phd in angles to get the doors to hang straight, the instructions always read like they were translated from Japanese into Hebrew through Flemish before eventually being hastily copied down in English by some hamfisted warehouse jocky called Steve, and fuck me if there isn’t always one piece either missing or that tiny little bit mis-shaped so that it doesn’t work quite as it’s supposed to.
Continue reading →

When I’m ass deep behind enemy lines….I’m talking so far into the bad guys territory that the only way to prevent myself from taking a high velocity round to the face is by growing a stupendous beard through sheer force of will…when I’m in that much trouble, and the A-Team nor Chuck Norris are anywhere around…then I would appreciate some kind of headup display informing me of what’s coming up, what I can expect to see in the next 25 minutes or so.

It could save my life.
Continue reading →

Look, I’m not a grammar Nazi or anything, but when are we going to stop allowing any illiterate twat that can string a couple of words together near a microphone?

Why am I so vitriolic this week? I’ll explain, though I should point out that it isn’t a long story. In fact, it isn’t a short story, but more of a micro tale.
Continue reading →

So, 2011 appeared. Awesome.

Ya know, I kinda hoped that the new year would bring with it some form of relief from the bloated, off-colour, tumescence that my spleen has become. Relief in the form of more happy, smiley thoughts than dark, brooding, evil, murderous thoughts at the inane world around me.

But I was too hopeful, too enthusiastic at the thought of my brain being filled with more than bile and venomous rage, and volcanic anger.

Because we went bed shopping at the weekend.
Continue reading →

So, it’s Christmas then. Bargain.

Look, this year has been a bit odd, and it’s taken me a while to find my stride, but I think I’ve made it. Sure many entries in this blogs were worse than a shit stained copy of Katie Price’s autobiography, but that’s only because I forgot what I needed to be doing; forgot what I’m good at: Complaining. Oh, I complained a lot, but compared to how it should have been I may as well have simply stuck my tongue out at everyone and stomped off to have a good cry behind the shed every week. I think I was trying to reinvent myself a bit; pretend that I’m a normal guy really once you got passed the bile and drying spleen carcasses, but it wasn’t really working for me. All it really did was cause me to churn out page after page of craptastic shite. From now on, I’m embracing my inner git because it’s been a while since he’s had free run of my head.

There really is no reason to fight it anymore, so I’m going to come right out and say it:

I am a miserable bastard!!
Continue reading →

So, I’m watching TV, right, and this woman (who’s on the run from the cops) grabs a hostage at random, points her gun at said hostages head and screams at the myriad police officers who have swarmed into the building and who now out number her roughly 300:1 to put their guns down, or she’ll shoot the hostage.

Hi, by the way……
Continue reading →

Well, here we are again. Another week, another few minutes of your life I’m going to steal and add to my own, thus ensuring I live longer than I have any natural right to.

My topic this week is mundane, even encroaching on dull’s territory, but it’s one I’m becoming increasingly confused by as the years race passed me at an ever increasing pace; snow.
Continue reading →

It is seems that I am not the sanest midget in the cracker factory today and, quite frankly, I don’t intend on being. Saneness is for fools, insanity’s where the money lies! How do I know? Because my car’s broken down again.

In fact, not only did it breakdown, but did so mid-homeward journey, on the high street, in rush hour traffic!!!  20 minutes I spent sitting in a rapidly freezing Rover, hazards blinking, whilst a dirty great queue of increasingly irritated drivers formed behind me as I tried to stop the recorded message at the other end of my phone to stop talking for 2 fucking seconds so I could speak to the AA and ask them very nicely to pick me up, simply by shouting at her, before my mobile’s battery died.

So why the insanity plea? Because, frankly, I haven’t seen any evidence that being sane is in any way better than a big steaming bowl of fruit loops. And as I have to pay out yet more money to the thieving bastards at the garage so that they can tut at my car and giggle as I hand over my debit card for the 14th time this year, I’ve decided that I can’t take it any more and have actually, finally cracked. I did it myself with a really big pair of nut crackers.

As you can see, not a rational bunny at all. Prepare then, oh mortals of this soft and fetid rock we call home, for just a great pile of shit.
Continue reading →

Sorry people, we’ve had word from Mat that there won’t be a What’s in my Drawer this week. In his own words: The PC decided to sulk yesterday and wouldn’t let me on anything. It’s not working properly this morning either.

Hopefully business as usual next week.

Nothing this week (well, except for this, obviously), those total bastards at work are making me work…actually work. I mean, what the hell!!!

What do you mean, what does that have to do with anything? Where do you think I write this drivel? Provided I’m tapping away diligently at a keyboard, no-one gives a stuff what I’m actually typing.

Anyway, sorry about that. There will be drivel next week.

Promise.

Make sure you tune in, it has 90′s era arcade games in it.